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My life, my journal, if you dont like it, then stay the fuck out.

living day to day, for what or whom, we'll see.

7/3/09 12:53 am - just for you...

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

One day you will
Oh one day you will

*Lady Antebellum- one day you will*

5/20/09 01:51 pm - you belong...

taylor swift- you belong with me

You're on the phone with your girlfriend
She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said
'Cuz she dosent get your humor like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she dosen't like
And she'll never know your story like I do'

But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm in the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see, you
You belong with me

You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say your fine
I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that

She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know
Baby...
You belong with me

Oh'
I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know your about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me...

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me

You belong with me...

5/10/09 09:40 am - EMPTINESS


EMPTINESS

What do I do with this emptiness

that washes over me,

the minute you walk out the door.

I fall apart, every time,

unable to hold back the flow of tears.

You come to me,

sharing special moments of warmth,

that could be reserved for lovers,

but, you always leave,

and I am left in limbo each time.

I want so much for you to stay,

just a little longer.

My agony is not knowing, if you will ever return,

Yet, you always do,

and I am whole again.

©R.Schmutsch 2006

5/6/09 02:50 pm - teardrops...

Taylor Swift - Tear Drops on my Guitar


everytime i hear this song i think about a friendship i have with someone... i guess i would rather deal with being just friends than loosing her from my life completely... ill always be here for her and always be here to listen when she needs someone to talk to... guess the only thing that matters is that shes happy in life... -dylen-

2/26/09 11:05 pm - update...

ok so its been a really long time since i last posted on here. things have been so fucked up and lonely here. my great grandma passed away back in november. she finally lost the battle to cancer, it consumed her. she meant the world to me and was the only one i had to talk to and to look up to... so now im left here alone. i have no one left to turn to, so i sit and do a lot of writeing or crying. im single again. have been since december. i had a mental break down after grandmas death and sent my ex back to her grandmothers. i enjoy being since sometimes, but then again i dont. it tends to be to quiet and lonely. i spend most of my time listening to music and trying to keep myself busy and trying to keep my mind from wondering. my health hasnt been the best here lately either. my seizures were getting worse and more frequently in the last month or two, and now theyve stoped or back off again for the past week. the health department is still fucking around and havent gotten my referal approved yet for me to go to the neurologist. so havent been able to drive or do much of anything because of the seizures. it sucks. i have gotten the chance to spend some time with a really good friend and have gotten to know her more. i enjoy being around her and seeing her. she makes me smile and laugh, its something that i havent been able to do in a long time. im happy again when im around her, i just wish it was more often. i miss having someone to cuddle up with at night and having someone to spend my time with. the down falls of being single. I want someone to my partner in life, my lover, my everything. i want someone to come home to in the evening and spend my time with. someone to curle up next to and watch a movie, someone who will be loveing and affectionate. i want someone to come up behind me, run their hands along my sides and hold me close to them. i wish i had a car right about now. i want to be out at the beach so much, just to sit there, clear my mind, relaxe, and listen to the waves crash against the shore under the moon light. i miss getting to do that. i always went alone, since i didnt have anyone to go with me. well, ive got 2 months down and 5 more to go with school, then i will have 1-2 months of externship to do. i started school back in december and am going to be a Medical Assistant. i cant wait to be done with school and get a job that i will enjoy and that will pay well. i have so many goals in life that i want to accomplish and am working hard to meet them. i will eventually be moving out of florida, i just dont know how long it will take me. only time will tell what will happen. i sit here and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. i dont have anything to keep me in florida now that my grandmother has passed. she was the main reason i kept comming back here. i took care of her till she passed and its killing me to be still living in her house. i wake up everyday expecting to see her sitting in the living room. its so hard, i thought i would still have several more years with her. guess i was wrong. she was 85 when she passed. my grandma (her daughter) still has her ashes in the house, we are supposed to go to PA to bury her beside her mom, dad, and brother, sometime later this year. She likes to play with things in the house, and she likes to remind me and the family that she is still here. my sister and i have both heard her calling for us in the house and she likes to turn on my radio. she always watched out for me when she was alive and was always there when i need a shoulder to cry on... even in death she is still trying to be here for me. please dont think im crazy, cause im not. i believe in ghost. i have seen and heard a lot of things over the years. she kept saying she had unfinished business, what it was im not sure. i thought she took care of everything that she wanted to, but i guess she had more that she didnt tell us about. i keep hopeing that things will get easier for me over time. her death has been one of the hardest things that i have ever had to deal with in life. she helped raise me and i am haveing a very hard time dealing with her being gone. poor little harlie grace (my baby sister) didnt have much time to spend with her, shes only 3 and doesnt understand what happened. i tell her to look up at the stars at night and thats where grandma is, watching over her. how else to you explain to a 3 year old that her great grandma has gone away and wont be comming back. i always wanted to have a child before she died, atleast then she would get to see her greatgreat grandchild, but that didnt happen. guess the timeing wasnt right. well, im getting tired and am gonna end this for now. i am hopeing to be able to get back online within the next couple of days and update some more. i have some poems that i want to put on here, but dont have them with me to put them on right now. ive kindof started my own book of poems and writings that i have done. so goodbye for now, but not forever. -MER-

5/25/07 12:17 pm - this says it all

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11/21/06 12:08 am - a second chance...

ok so i thought i would post just one more thing before i go to bed... this is a story that i wrote about a week or two ago...

A Second Chance

i sit here alone on the roof top watching the stars in the clear blue night sky. the thoughts of past years running through my mind. where did we go wrong. what was our fait suposed to be. i can still remember the day i met you as if it was yesterday. the scent of you is still fresh in mind and everything i see reminds me of you. i drive down a dark road and catch a glimps of you in my rearview mirror. i wish sometimes that that image of you was real, that i will turn and see you sitting beside me and not just my mind playing tricks on me. i want to feel your fingers intertwinded in with mine. i want to feel the softness of your skin against mine. i feel the wind against my face as i sit on the roof of our old house. its so lonely and empty here. i go into a room and can still smell your cologne. i catch a glimpse of your ghost laying next to me at night, but when i awake in the morning the bed is empty. just me and our pillows. i curl up with them wishing that it was you laying there holding me close and whispering sweet thoughts into my ears. filling my head full of dreams and promises. i feel a soft hand cup the side of my face and a whisper in my ear... "i love you and everything will be fine baby, dont forget..." it trails off as i snap back into reality. a tear streams down my cheek. if only i could have a second chance. oh, the things i would do differently. I would come home with a dozen roses all for you, no special occasion, a note attached to them saying "just because" and a reminder of my love for you. i recall being a little kid and seeing a shooting star. on that star i made a wish. a wish for a true love and a happily ever after. it was a wish that i thought would never come true. well that was untill i met you. i lost you once when i had to move. i loved you and you love me, but neither one of us know that. i was a very quiet shy girl and i didnt tell you the feelings i had for you. the memories come rushing back to me and the tears start to fall even more now. i want to stand up and just jump off of this roof. maybe when i hit the ground i will wake up from this nightmare. thats it, this is just a nightmare that im having. ha, i wish it was. but nope, im not that lucky. this is my reality, my nightmare that just wont end. great. my lucks just gotten even better now. the rain starts to pour down. my tears now mix in with the rain. im soaking wet and dont plan of getting up just yet. i sit here enjoying the cold night rain. its so nice and refreshing. i lay back on the wet rooftop and look up at the shining stars. what are stars anyways. sometimes i think they are our loved ones that have pasted and that were taken from us. i see one for my grandfather, one for granny, one for my grandma, and one for you. yea i know your not dead, but your not here with me. your somewhere else. somewhere far far away. i close my eyes and focus on the feeling of the rain as it falls down upon me. i can hear the thunder in the distance, it luls me to sleep. the dreams come flooding into my mind. i see you. your happy. your walking along the beach under the full moon, but wait whos that with you. your playing, laughing, slashing through the water as the waves come rolling up on shore. i can see you smiling and your aura glows bright from your happiness. but who is this woman that is with you. you can tell she loves you. she wraps her arms around you and holds you close. you are both so happy looking. she holds you close to her and starts to slow dance with you. no music but the sound of the waves hitting the shore and the beating of two hearts so deeply and madly in love. she stops you mid point. you look at her questioningly. thoughts running through ur head. what is she doing. she reaches into her pocket and gets down on one knee. no wait she cant do that, ur my girl. i demand to know who this mysterious woman is. i grow sad as i see the expression of shock and happiness come across ur face. she slips the ring on your fingure as she asks you to marry her. this cant happen, you cant marry her. no please tell me its not true. please dont do it. she sweeps you off of your feet and into her arms. your spinning around now with joy. the moonlight grows brighter, its like a spot light on the two of you... wait! i can see her face now. y does she look so familiar. it cant be, no... never... is it... it is me. but damn, im skinny, healthy...butch...damn, im shocked. i look so happy. i forgot how good it felt to be happy. i didnt even realize it was me. damn how sad that is. i can see us walking along the beach again. you keep looking at ur hand and the ring that i placed upon it. your smiling so much. you turn and splash me with water. i start to run after you. i finally catch up to you and we fall into the sand. we lay there, i get lost i stare into those blue eyes of yours and get lost in them. i feel your lips press against mine and you kiss me. so soft and gently. your mine now forever. the image of us on the beach starts to fade as clouds roll across the full moon. wait, dont go away, this dream cant stop, i want this to be my reality. damnet. why did i have to wake up. my cat is now sitting next to me. he blends in with the night and doesnt mind the rain. hes the only friend i have right now. he keeps me company as i try and finish waking up. the rain is still pouring down and im growing cold as the night goes by. coal keeps pasing between the open window and me. i finally get up and crawl through the window back into my house. he runs past me and scratches at the door. i guess he wants out of the room. he sits there waiting for me. he looks at me and then looks under the door reaching a out and under it. whats he playing with on the other side of that door. i slowly walk over to it placing my hand on the nob. whats in the house that he wants. i slowly open the door and start to see a figure standing there. it cant be. it must be a ghost. a tear falls from my eye as i see that you are really standing there infront of me. you came back. i wrap my arms around you, holding you close. u start crying as you whisper in my ear that your home again and that you still love me. how can this be. your back in my arms, my life, my heart. you tell me that you wont ever leave me again and that you are sorry for hurting me before. im speechless and overwhelmed with joy and happiness. i got my second chance. a chance to do things right this time. you come in and i close the door behind you. i wrap my arms around you again not wanting to let you go. i swip you off of your feet and carry you off into the darkness of our room. closing the door behind us and shutting the world out behind us...i finally got my wish...   by: mer 11/13/06

11/21/06 12:08 am

ok so i thought i would post just one more thing before i go to bed... this is a story that i wrote about a week or two ago...

A Second Chance

i sit here alone on the roof top watching the stars in the clear blue night sky. the thoughts of past years running through my mind. where did we go wrong. what was our fait suposed to be. i can still remember the day i met you as if it was yesterday. the scent of you is still fresh in mind and everything i see reminds me of you. i drive down a dark road and catch a glimps of you in my rearview mirror. i wish sometimes that that image of you was real, that i will turn and see you sitting beside me and not just my mind playing tricks on me. i want to feel your fingers intertwinded in with mine. i want to feel the softness of your skin against mine. i feel the wind against my face as i sit on the roof of our old house. its so lonely and empty here. i go into a room and can still smell your cologne. i catch a glimpse of your ghost laying next to me at night, but when i awake in the morning the bed is empty. just me and our pillows. i curl up with them wishing that it was you laying there holding me close and whispering sweet thoughts into my ears. filling my head full of dreams and promises. i feel a soft hand cup the side of my face and a whisper in my ear... "i love you and everything will be fine baby, dont forget..." it trails off as i snap back into reality. a tear streams down my cheek. if only i could have a second chance. oh, the things i would do differently. I would come home with a dozen roses all for you, no special occasion, a note attached to them saying "just because" and a reminder of my love for you. i recall being a little kid and seeing a shooting star. on that star i made a wish. a wish for a true love and a happily ever after. it was a wish that i thought would never come true. well that was untill i met you. i lost you once when i had to move. i loved you and you love me, but neither one of us know that. i was a very quiet shy girl and i didnt tell you the feelings i had for you. the memories come rushing back to me and the tears start to fall even more now. i want to stand up and just jump off of this roof. maybe when i hit the ground i will wake up from this nightmare. thats it, this is just a nightmare that im having. ha, i wish it was. but nope, im not that lucky. this is my reality, my nightmare that just wont end. great. my lucks just gotten even better now. the rain starts to pour down. my tears now mix in with the rain. im soaking wet and dont plan of getting up just yet. i sit here enjoying the cold night rain. its so nice and refreshing. i lay back on the wet rooftop and look up at the shining stars. what are stars anyways. sometimes i think they are our loved ones that have pasted and that were taken from us. i see one for my grandfather, one for granny, one for my grandma, and one for you. yea i know your not dead, but your not here with me. your somewhere else. somewhere far far away. i close my eyes and focus on the feeling of the rain as it falls down upon me. i can hear the thunder in the distance, it luls me to sleep. the dreams come flooding into my mind. i see you. your happy. your walking along the beach under the full moon, but wait whos that with you. your playing, laughing, slashing through the water as the waves come rolling up on shore. i can see you smiling and your aura glows bright from your happiness. but who is this woman that is with you. you can tell she loves you. she wraps her arms around you and holds you close. you are both so happy looking. she holds you close to her and starts to slow dance with you. no music but the sound of the waves hitting the shore and the beating of two hearts so deeply and madly in love. she stops you mid point. you look at her questioningly. thoughts running through ur head. what is she doing. she reaches into her pocket and gets down on one knee. no wait she cant do that, ur my girl. i demand to know who this mysterious woman is. i grow sad as i see the expression of shock and happiness come across ur face. she slips the ring on your fingure as she asks you to marry her. this cant happen, you cant marry her. no please tell me its not true. please dont do it. she sweeps you off of your feet and into her arms. your spinning around now with joy. the moonlight grows brighter, its like a spot light on the two of you... wait! i can see her face now. y does she look so familiar. it cant be, no... never... is it... it is me. but damn, im skinny, healthy...butch...damn, im shocked. i look so happy. i forgot how good it felt to be happy. i didnt even realize it was me. damn how sad that is. i can see us walking along the beach again. you keep looking at ur hand and the ring that i placed upon it. your smiling so much. you turn and splash me with water. i start to run after you. i finally catch up to you and we fall into the sand. we lay there, i get lost i stare into those blue eyes of yours and get lost in them. i feel your lips press against mine and you kiss me. so soft and gently. your mine now forever. the image of us on the beach starts to fade as clouds roll across the full moon. wait, dont go away, this dream cant stop, i want this to be my reality. damnet. why did i have to wake up. my cat is now sitting next to me. he blends in with the night and doesnt mind the rain. hes the only friend i have right now. he keeps me company as i try and finish waking up. the rain is still pouring down and im growing cold as the night goes by. coal keeps pasing between the open window and me. i finally get up and crawl through the window back into my house. he runs past me and scratches at the door. i guess he wants out of the room. he sits there waiting for me. he looks at me and then looks under the door reaching a out and under it. whats he playing with on the other side of that door. i slowly walk over to it placing my hand on the nob. whats in the house that he wants. i slowly open the door and start to see a figure standing there. it cant be. it must be a ghost. a tear falls from my eye as i see that you are really standing there infront of me. you came back. i wrap my arms around you, holding you close. u start crying as you whisper in my ear that your home again and that you still love me. how can this be. your back in my arms, my life, my heart. you tell me that you wont ever leave me again and that you are sorry for hurting me before. im speechless and overwhelmed with joy and happiness. i got my second chance. a chance to do things right this time. you come in and i close the door behind you. i wrap my arms around you again not wanting to let you go. i swip you off of your feet and carry you off into the darkness of our room. closing the door behind us and shutting the world out behind us...i finally got my wish...   by: mer 11/13/06

5/29/06 10:34 am - feelings

i feel like im loosing her again. that history may be repeating itself. you make a promise to me, a promise you swear to keep. we'll see. i hope you dont break this one. i hope you dont break my trust. im letting my guard down again. i hope i dont get my heart ripped out once more. ive managed to mend it, but can only mend so much. i trusted you once before and im trusting you once more. dont fuck up, its the last. i dont know how much more i can take. i tell me everything will be fine. she means nothing to you. ha, ive heard those word before. you spend most of your time with her, talking to her, what about me...im your girlfriend, im the one your supposed to be with. you cant you talk to her infront of me, youve done this before. cant you see its hurting me, your supposed to love me, not cause pain. i am trusting you. trusting that you wont lie to me again. that you wont break my heart again. im trusting you to go and spend a week with her, even though i dont want you to. im trusting that you wont let the past repeat itself. i hope your not falling for her. shes probably already fallen for you. its supposed to be only a friendship, lets hope it stays at that. im trusting you and hopeing youll keep your promises youve made to me. ive given you my heart, my world, protect them and keep them safe. your my partner, my love. nobody elses. people need to keep that in mind. ill fight till the bitter end. i wont loose a battle. i didnt before and i wont again. i fight for what i believe in, ill fight for who i love. im not crazy like some people want to think, im just in love and if you think being in love is crazy, then maybe i am. i love you dana, and i hope you will always remember that. -megan

5/27/06 10:45 am - just another bottle...

Handsome, tender, soft. Why do you look right through me thinking "no"? I can’t deny my feelings growing strong. I try to keep believing and dreaming on. And every time I see you, I crave more. I wanna pull you closer, but you leave me feeling frozen. I can be all you need, won’t you please stay with me. Apologies, might-have-beens, I can’t erase what I feel.
Choking back emotions, I try to keep on hoping for a way. A reason for us both to come in close. I long for you to hold me like your girlfriend does. And though my dream is slowly fading I wanna be the object of your passion, but it’s hopeless. I can be all you need, wont you please stay with me. Apologies, might-have-beens, can’t erase what I feel...


Вы знаете его нашу трех-летнюю годовщину сегодня. Я знал ее в течение более чем шести лет теперь. Она не понимает, как мы сделали это настолько далеко. Если Вы любите кого - то, тогда Вы поднимете и будете иметь дело с большим количеством дерьма. Я люблю Dana со всем моим сердцем, и да мы и сделали некоторые испорченные решения в наших жизнях, но мы работали через них вместе и придержались(увязли) вместе через это все. Я знаю я испортившийся. Я испортил подарок дня рождения, который она собиралась давать мне, но я испортил это и все еще продолжать напоминать мне об этом. Я боюсь, что история собирается повторять себя. Она встретила некоторую девочку онлайн и говорит с нею каждодневный. Они - оба кокетки. Она даже не встретила эту девочку. Я только надеюсь, что она не падает для нее. Я не обвиняю ее в чем - нибудь. Я только надеюсь, что вещи решат для нас и что мы можем делать это в течение этих грубых времен снова. Она не говорит мне большую часть чего - нибудь снова. И она продолжает пробовать заставить меня идти, тратят(проводят) лето с моей матерью в Джорджии(Грузии), но я не хочу к. Я не иду где-нибудь. Я - ее партнер в жизни, и мы находимся в отношениях вместе, так что я продолжу оставаться верным ее стороне и надежде, что она не продолжает отодвигать меня снова. Согласие, я мог бы добраться, мое сердце прерывало конец, но пусть будет так. Я буду иметь дело с этим, когда это случается и соберет части снова и исправит их назад вместе. Я - сильный пожелавший человек и могу делать это через что - нибудь, что жизнь вручит мне. Согласие я мог бы иметь мои низкие времена, где я угнетен и убийственным, но я всегда, удавается. Dana мне жаль, что Вы не можете видеть, насколько я трахающий любовь Вы и сколько я забочусь о Вас и что я не иду где-нибудь. Вы - любовь к моей жизни, моему задушевному другу, моя мечта осуществляется, и тот, с которым я хочу тратить(проводить) мою жизнь. Я могу только надеяться, что Вы все еще чувствуете тот же самый путь. Я люблю Вас, Дана Мэри и я всегда будем.
Любовь всегда и навсегда,
Ваш свет и любитель(возлюбленный),
меган
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